DoaD #20 - A Tree Full of Circles
We are at Episode 20.
I did not record yesterday because it was an interesting full moon.
The effects of the full moon summer solstice were definitely in effect. I was losing my shit to be honest. I was going through some mania and was very out of it. I reached a weird point of disassociation but also complete presence and clarity on my situation in my life right now.
A couple moving pieces at the moment that I have not been expressing properly within myself and with the people around me. I've locked myself into my own little chamber that has kept me safe. But it reached a capacity yesterday. I've got a bit of writing here that describes it in some way but I have no idea what it means, I was writing complete stream of consciousness. So I haven't actually fully read this but we'll see;
This way ahead sees too many blocks for it to make sense to see. His past times have shaken a tree full of circles. No fruit just circles. Which is weird for this mountain side tree. If you were to see you would believe but for now it is up to me to describe this ocean tree. It fell off the top and was swept away into the cracks of your river. It chose your swim. It chose your currents with no roots to connect to the seer. A thousand miles of you have passed and seems to come to no end. When the sky meets this tree it will have been one great ride. Never could that mountain make a sound for it wouldn't be left with its marks. A fine trail opened down the side, but instead a dive made sense. A moment's touch of the riverbed left all the stars wondering if they picked the right one.
Can he handle this song?
Will it lead to others ears or just a tear full of moonlight.
Can't see the other Beyonds with your ankles shackled to your insides. This ride is only for a ride alone. Linked to four stories of mountains climbed. The stars align once more, for they giveth and they taketh. This magnet leads in two directions, with just enough time for one last character.
Yeah well done me that was beautiful. I know what that means for me. I started this whole journey of recording daily thinking it was gonna go one way. I am realizing that it needs to go another way with this whole Daoist journey that I'm on with my self. Using this culture, philosophy, and way of life as the language for best describing deeper parts of myself. It's not at all like the westernized version that I first started absorbing or most people do it's ….
… wow yeah writing is my fucking way to tap into my deepest depths. I struggle so much to express at all what I’m feeling. There's so many blocks within me, so many parts and beings within me that have been fucked by people, properly fucked over by people from a young age. I learnt and learnt and learnt to bottle everything up. Wow, yeah, I've really gone back into movement so much because it is my first form of expression that allowed me to rid myself or move myself through these emotions. These energies in motion. Yesterday when I was fucking losing it and there was no way I could sit at a desk and write there was no way I could put anything down on paper or through this, nothing that I was feeling could be expressed verbally. Even if it could, this body and mind can't at this point in time and the only way to move that energy and not let it stagnate was to explode acrobatically and feel myself flying. Feel the freedom of moving like water with the earth and flipping into the air and combining that fire of explosive flips and feeling the flight of being in the air and the freedom that that gives me.
Wow the elements go together beautifully with that. Groundwork, Capoeira style water flow movements, balance perfect with the physical earth. That's where I get into my intuitive emotional side through movement. Then acrobatic, tricking and flips is that explosive power, that creative, that's where that anger and rage inside of me could find it’s expression. Fire and Air have a lovely balance so it works perfectly. An explosion of fire for the flip to happen and then into the air with grace and landing back down. I couldn't do anything else, I reached my limit and all I could think to do is go to the park and just move. Move myself through it, allow myself to reach this point of insanity of dark truth at what life is. I'm seeing now why parkour and why dance and movement and drumming allows myself to get into my body but also out of my body. Transcend everything through that. Allows me to escape whatever fucked up shit happened in my past that I've been blocked from seeing. Some stuff recently has come to light and whilst that light is good to see what was in the darkness, it now means I can see it, and it's not going away. It's also very hard when the person that you are struggles to express and have the verbal language for what that light has shown. [It’s difficult] to be able to explain those deep feelings that aren't even expressible, they can only really be moved through at the moment. I think that's okay. I really need to be gentle with myself and not try to be so desperate to figure this all out so quick. Because I'm tired of it and I want to be able to have it all figured out and say that I'm okay. When I'm not. And that is okay. I need to try and not busy myself up when I need to allow the space for this thing to be seen and emerge and be cared for. I'm ignoring it at the moment and it's continually expressing itself.
This is the beautiful journey, I guess. Riding the ups and downs, the waves of Dao.
That's it. Not much more to put to that?
Actually, no, there is. I've been doubting myself today and the past few days. With this [DoaD], and the other things I'm doing. I was going through a high confidence, courage streak. But now I'm reaching a dip a new reflection in the mirror of confidence and it's coming to doubt whether I should be doing this. Why I'm doing this? What it's for? I started for some reason and I'm gonna keep going with it. The videos and the stuff I’m posting is a way for me to have the confidence to be this version of myself again. Pushing the boat out there in terms of showing the world truly who I am, and not hiding from that anymore. Allowing that power to come forth from that authentic expression. That's where the doubt comes in. Is because it's a part that protected me from young from being that version that is terrified at the moment. Terrified of being called out for being fucking weird or whatever it is. I'm past that. I am completely okay with who I am. I recognize my divinity and my purpose on this planet, my need to express myself. It has chosen this way, so I must honour it.
I wanted to recognize that doubt because it is there but thats part of having a beautifully conflicting human mind. What comes up must come down and what swings to the left must swing to the right. So it's just part of it. But by having this attitude and this awareness, I can notice it and almost overcome it like a lovely little kong or plyo or any one of your parkour movement library names. Any one of them shall work.
I'm recognizing that I'm getting more stressed about money because I'm realizing I'm staying here now. So I have to get another job to cover the rent for a place that I wasn't originally going to stay at. Then in that stressing about money, this manic impulsive part of myself likes to spend more money which doesn't make any sense but it kind of does at the same time. I think it's because I want to run myself into Ground Zero so that I'm so stressed about money that it forces me into finding a job, which is fucked up. But it seems to work and it's done it before. But its not fucking fun. So I need to calm it with the spending. It shall all work itself out mi amor. Little David. That’s who needs my love right now, my inner child, and myself really, I really need to have care and love for myself through this coming period of difficult changes.
I love you
Peace
