DoaD #5 - Bookmarked
This is Episode Five of Diary of a Daoist.
Today was all about bookmarks. I spent a whole day preparing for a show tomorrow just focusing on bookmarks. It was very fun. Yeah, I did not expect to spend as long as I did just making bookmarks but it kept going. I didn't want to make any business cards because fuck that everyone be doing that. It made sense, I make books, let’s make some bookmarks, let's make something that people will actually use and not just a bit of paper that someone's maybe gonna shove in their pocket and not care about.
A simple beautifully contained little process of iteration and refinement. I had three other bookmarks with me that I had collected. One was Shambala Publications, one was London Centre for Book Arts, and the other one was Daunt Books. Three very different vibes but they all contributed to the one I made. It was a back-and-forth of working out what is the actual purpose of this. I would stray from that by experimenting and playing with the layout and the type and then come back to what is the actual purpose of this. Who is this for? Is it for Well Books or is it for my practice and getting people to be able to reach me? Fighting this weird conflict within me that I have of not wanting to show myself within my work. I don't know for some reason I don't like attaching my name to the stuff I make. I like to hide it behind the shells I've made. I don't know whether that comes into confidence in my work or the fear of actually showing my stuff… like fully showing me and attaching my name to it. I can't put shit that is mid or not fully of me. That's also terrifying at the same time, being willing to share very deep parts of me because that is what all my little creative expressions are, they are fully from deep within me.
It’s a very fun process of actually committing to one thing for the day which is unusual for me and slowly working through the process of it and not rushing it. I was getting little signs, little omens of, when I was trying to rush it and just get it done so I can move on with the day and do something else and not give my full attention to it. I’d have one good idea for it and run with it. Having one folded bookmark and rushing to go get the paper to print it out and being so in my head thinking about it I walked into the exit part of the library and the fucking alarm bells went off. I'm just laughing to myself and coming back and realizing okay lets just chill let's take a our time with this, lets actually give it the effort it deserves.
Slowly chipping away at seeing what felt right cross-referencing the other bookmarks I had seeing which elements worked and which bits I wanted to put in. How have I just talked about bookmarks for six minutes?
Today was a weird one. It's such a sick time helping Harj film his little skit for his cap stack that he’s got. Loving the process of doing that and having fun filming and laughing to ourselves editing and just…. a complete escape from everything…. completely in the process of doing that. Then for whatever reason in the back of my head I still have this constant ticking over energy of… I’ve got something else I've got to do, I need to be doing this other thing and I can't fully devote my attention to what’s at hand today.
Today was a difficult one, even though I was doing creative stuff and having fun, in between those moments of escaping by making stuff, I’ve been really … in it.
My body has been feeling like… I don't even know how to describe it. Numb static. Heavy. I can feel all the fibres within my body. They're not fully moving they're weighted down under the surface gnawing.
I guess that's the beauty of life isn't it, these fucking difficult days that can also be beautiful and filled with absolute laughter and just childish joy can also be intersected with darkness. I am feeling the ebbs and flows at the moment. I'm being pulled along with the currents and some part of me still is refusing to let go of that control of the change that is happening. At some point, I need to completely surrender to these rapids and tides that are pulling me along and go along with it. Ride wherever it goes. I’m never gonna get to that point the Dao needs to get me to or I need to get me to if I'm holding on desperately clinging to the sides of the riverbank desperate to be safe. It kind of needs complete surrender to whatever is going to happen. That is fucking hard it’s not easy at the moment but it’s reaching a point where I got to let go.
[breathing interlude]
I get pulled along by all these different thoughts and worries in my head so easily. Money worries, rent, travels I want to do, projects I want to start, projects I'm starting, projects I’ve done but haven't fully finished, having enough money to get by. How do you find the balance in that?
How does an introvert find a balance in socializing and recharging alone? I'm completely comfortable sitting in complete silence and darkness by myself in my room just absorbing time. I am drained but also energized when I’m out with all these other beautiful people that I'm lucky to have known. I get drained by that. But it also makes me feel alive. How do you balance that? It just happens naturally but my head seems to struggle to weigh that up, from time to time. Sometimes it feels easier to dream in my head of travelling and escaping, getting away from everything, but then is that just another part inside self that wants to run away from facing what's right in front of me.
Yeah, bookmarks. How did we get there hahaha? I think that's a good time to slot a bookmark in that one and close that book for today.
Peace and Good night
