DoaD #22 - Feeling the Unnameable
This is Episode 22 of Diary the Daoist.
A day away from consistency yesterday, I was listening to my body and going a bit too much, and lack of sleep, exhausted, slipped my mind. Lovely little bits of audio coming in.
Today's “whatever” is definitely about the power of loneliness and solitude. But when I say power, that can tip both ways, because power can mean strength and creative power and being able to tap into the larger power of things, but then power can also corrupt and take over. It's my greatest power that has given me everything in life, my creative ideas, my silence and space to reflect on the deepest traumas of my life. It's the place I go to to truly lock in and feel this unnamable, unknowable force that puts everything in order and keeps everything going. It's a power that allowed me to start noticing white butterflies two years ago, which started my journey of questioning the 2D-ness of this physical world and wondering whether there's more to this, and if there's not only a physical world, and if there's potentially something else in another realm, guiding. It started me on this journey of questioning, if I am truly alone, even when I'm alone or in solitude, and that, for me, is where my true power comes from. That's where I feel most myself and I'm most able to express myself, because it's just me, or it's a chance for me to dissolve that me that I have to be when I'm around other people. It's like my workshop I go to that only has space for one truly to grow and become this new person I'm becoming.
The power in solitude and silence also requires a balance of being able to communicate what I've learned from that silence. The idolization of being a monk is not helpful, and it's an illusionary story that I've told myself from the easy way out of not dealing with anything is to imagine a fantastical world where I can just disappear and be all alone, all alone, just wandering. To some people that would make no sense, but I know to others that sounds like a dream. But the more I study my natal chart and the position of the planets when I was born, I'm realizing the larger mission at hand for me is to learn how to communicate. I've been drawn to this artist way of life because it's a realm that accepts non verbal expression, and that is the best way I found to express these deeper feelings and understandings that don't really have words yet.
But it's hard when it comes to the point that you need to be able to express your feelings verbally. I've absorbed this identity and become this person I've always been that is not great at actually communicating how I feel. When I've done that in the past… it's not always worked out swimmingly. So I've learnt over time, best to keep it in, best to not cause any problems and deal with it myself. I'm realizing that only really in some moments is that the right thing to do, and most of the time your mind must be spoken.
I'm going through the rings at the moment, let's put it that way. I've realized this is the power in being able to do this [DoaD], is that I can have some form of outlet. Power of expression and being human comes from not simply sharing the good parts and being there for myself when when the trees are falling. I've grown so much, I've come so far, but I recognize there is still much work to be done within myself.
I'm also really struggling with realizing that my mind is not greatly attuned to this side of the world and its outlook, and this part of the world making me believe that this is the only way to see life and the only way to go about being human. That's why I've gripped on to Daoism and let it go many times. I've picked out the bits that work best for me being able to live in a western world, because it's not my whole culture to become but there's a beauty in sharing cultures. It's all about that balance, that balance of inner outer, masculine feminine, silence speaking and movement stillness.
Yeah, this next period is gonna be about finding a lovely balance in solitude, but then not getting so comfortable in that solitude that I borrow myself in a tunnel I can't get out of. That's not good for anyone.
But I do truly believe that for my nature and how I work, for me to break down and then heal and grow, I need to be alone. There are greater forces at play that are guiding me and looking out for me. Those little white butterflies that will only ever make sense to me, give me a nice little nod that I'm on the right path and I just gotta keep going.
I’m not really heading in any direction, even though I also am, because I've got my own goals and desires. I’m heading forward, and I'm not sure which way that is, but it seems to be going okay.
I love myself truly.
I love everyone in my life.
I love the Earth.
I love the good and the bad.
What more can I ask for?
Well, I gotta go to work now, so…
peace
