DoaD #23 - The Hidden Golden Flower
I forgot about you.
This is Episode Vinte y Tres, Numero 23 and what a day. Pow Pow Pow.
Glorious. Wow. I'm remembering all the different little things. These Rise and Falls are magnificent. What was the day even about, life?
Starting the morning, setting up my books and fusebox for fuse festival, playing around with that. I felt so beautiful to be recognized for my work and have this space allowing me to explore myself within my own works, and being able to lay out my books and have complete creative control over it. I can fully exist within that space and making the decision not to go to the uni external show is a reflection of this, because I would have been put into a box, put into a framework. I wouldn't have been able to show my actual works, just uni projects. But at this, I can show my works in progress. I can have one project on Big Show, and then I've got my other writings, my poetry and the first book I wrote. I can fully show the progression and the well within.
Beautiful start to the day, before I went Coaching, had a scrummy little black bean curry. Then went to Ham Youth Club, where I got to properly meet the leader of that, guy in charge, Ben. They've been doing it for so long, running that youth club and I got to truly see the power of youth clubs and it reminded me of why I'm doing what I'm doing. What a luxury it is to have this skill that I honed as a kid. I didn't even consciously hone it but I was simply doing what I loved and needed to express and overcome this pain with movement (it’s my joy).
The fact that this has now flourished into me being able to get paid to pass on what I've learned over time through the practice of movement. Going from that [earlier style] and then to the fuse box space, using this special style of movement that's unique to me and few people. Combining all my different interests of Tai Chi and Capoeira and Acro and Dance and Flips.
I forget it's a way for me to connect back to a time [when I was younger]. Whenever I do, I don't even know how to call the move, where I do like a cartwheel, but straight over and you're going on to the wrong foot, it just looks so elegant. I've never seen anyone do it, apart from Johnny Last who was my first mentor, in a way, was like an older brother. Lodgers in our family's house were a way for us to pay for a silly little trap of a mortgage. It brought some not-great ones but also brought some beautiful ones. So I can't have one without the other. That move that Johnny used to always do, and I obsessively learned how to do it, and he taught me how to do it. Now, when I do that move, there is a thread connecting me to that time, so beautiful. By expressing this hidden library of little moves I've got that I can now connect and flow effortlessly into a little dance that I can then film and share is now opening doors to other things. It’s opened from the love of myself and Zero care of what other people think, being myself in that way. Especially helps to be in an environment that allows that even more.
Sharing that way of moving is an easy way for me to then also share the other things I'm doing [mentally], and showing that to Chiyana is now opening up the possibility of performing at their River Fest. Yeah, wow.
Walking home after coaching from Ham so slowly, slowly taking my time in no rush, those back streets of Ham are gorgeous. So quiet, all I can hear is the sway of willow trees and the wind. There's nothing more peaceful than that. It felt so right, and the fact that I get to enjoy that walk home from work now. Thursdays is such a blessing. So grateful for that. I enjoyed taking an hour and a half to walk home. Who would have thought, my younger self never would have thought. Right at the end, before I get to Canberry gardens, doing my little dance along the street, just as I do, my Little Tai Chi hand movements. This random guy on a bike comes over and says,
yo. Is that Tai Chi?
Yeah, kind of
Then I start talking to this beautiful human being about his life his mum struggling with…
yeah, the passing away of loved ones. Divine conversation. Him in his old age, is the thing he was stressing that is exactly what I'm going through right now.
Trust, trust in this journey, trust in self, trust in the wisdom above and below, and trust that you're on the right path as an artist or whoever. Just trust that you are doing what you need to be doing, for your heart's sake.
Then, climbing some more trees on my way home. Unlocking so many different parts of my younger self that were trapped inside me for so long and are now being able to play and have fun with this life. Slowly made my way over to Rahim's house, said we were gonna meet up for coffee earlier. We chatting, drinking coffee. His housemates were there. We chatted for ages, and it turned into a five hour conversation about religion, evolution, poetry, painting, art history. So interesting. All three of us had such different beliefs, but we were still able to hold such an open conversation and learn so much about other people's way of looking at the world and how they see it, and we could understand each other's point of view, even though we completely disagreed with it. It kept going, beautiful.
I’m proud of myself, for my willingness to not judge someone before I've allowed themselves to reveal that Secret golden flower that Jinhua. Delicious.
This was a day of light and love, and yesterday was a day of dark and love.
This upcoming week will be interesting as well, to be able to capture all the blessings that I'm being given and taking everything whilst I can. Accepting and giving.
It’s a luxury to to be able to be on this human journey. It's taken me so so so long. It's not taken me 23 years. It's taken me a lot longer of a time to get to this point and to fully love who I am and enjoy this journey with no resentment and guilt at this present moment.
Even if sometimes I slip back into my childhood, I am at such a point of bliss and peace, what more could I ask for….
good night,
peace
